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Shopping - by James Archer



This is a parable about the excuses people make why they don’t go to church/believe in God.


Cast:  Bert, a middle-aged bachelor; Sid, his middle-aged married friend.  Scene:  Bert’s bachelor pad, at the door and then moving into the kitchen.



Bert  (Bert is standing around listening to Radio Five Live.  Bell rings. Turns radio off, goes to open door)  Ah, Sid, good to see            you.  Come in.

Sid   (Enters)  Thanks, Bert.  It’s a bit quiet, like, Sybil’s gone into town with Ethel, and there’s nothing on the telly, so I thought I’d        pop round for a chat.

Bert  Good to see you, Sid, good to see you.  Coffee?  (Makes coffee, scraping the last bit out of the jar)  Have to get some              more of that.  Sit down, Sid, sit down.  So Ethel’s gone shopping, has she.

Sid   Yer, that’s right.  (Pause)  I hate shopping.

Bert  Quite agree, Sid, quite agree.  There’s so many shops, you can never decide which one to go to.

Sid   No.  And they never have what you want, anyway.

Bert  You don’t have time for shopping, do you?

Sid   Shops are only after your money, know what I mean?

Bert  I do, Sid, I do.  Food’s so expensive these days.  You never know what to buy.

Sid   Too skint to get anything decent. Can’t stand the queues, neither. 

Bert  None of our friends go shopping.

Sid   Ethel loves shopping.

Bert  ’Nother coffee, Sid?  No, sorry, we just finished the jar.  No biscuits left neither.

Sid   No matter.  I’m trying to lose weight anyway.  (Pause)  Life’s a bitch, eh, Bert?

Bert  Too right, Sid, too right……(Both freeze)

Editable and printable version

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