Shopping - by James Archer
This is a parable about the excuses people make why they don’t go to church/believe in God.
Cast: Bert, a middle-aged bachelor; Sid, his middle-aged married friend. Scene: Bert’s bachelor pad, at the door and then moving into the kitchen.
Bert (Bert is standing around listening to Radio Five Live. Bell rings. Turns radio off, goes to open door) Ah, Sid, good to see you. Come in.
Sid (Enters) Thanks, Bert. It’s a bit quiet, like, Sybil’s gone into town with Ethel, and there’s nothing on the telly, so I thought I’d pop round for a chat.
Bert Good to see you, Sid, good to see you. Coffee? (Makes coffee, scraping the last bit out of the jar) Have to get some more of that. Sit down, Sid, sit down. So Ethel’s gone shopping, has she.
Sid Yer, that’s right. (Pause) I hate shopping.
Bert Quite agree, Sid, quite agree. There’s so many shops, you can never decide which one to go to.
Sid No. And they never have what you want, anyway.
Bert You don’t have time for shopping, do you?
Sid Shops are only after your money, know what I mean?
Bert I do, Sid, I do. Food’s so expensive these days. You never know what to buy.
Sid Too skint to get anything decent. Can’t stand the queues, neither.
Bert None of our friends go shopping.
Sid Ethel loves shopping.
Bert ’Nother coffee, Sid? No, sorry, we just finished the jar. No biscuits left neither.
Sid No matter. I’m trying to lose weight anyway. (Pause) Life’s a bitch, eh, Bert?
Bert Too right, Sid, too right……(Both freeze)
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