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Disrupting the church - by James Archer

Editable and printable version

Cast: Screwtape, a junior devil; Wormwood, his boss.  The action takes place in Wormwood’s office.  This is an opportunity to enjoy dressing up!  The format is based on The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Amend church name, joke and next suggestion as appropriate.


Wormwood  (Screwtape knocks tentatively on the door)  Come in!

Screwtape    (Hesitantly)   Bad morning, sir.  I was w..w..wondering, sir, could you give me some advice?

Wormwood  Of course I could, Screwtape.  What’s the matter?

Screwtape    Well, sir, it’s about Christ Church in St Albans, sir.

Wormwood  Oh yes?  What’s Samson been up to now?

Screwtape    Samson?

Wormwood  You know, chap with long hair who had it cut off.  It’s a joke, Screwtape.

Screwtape    (Doesn’t get it) Oh.  Um.  You see, sir, they’re getting more serious about worship and prayer.  It’s very worrying.                       Our Enemy must be very pleased.

Wormwood  Never mind, Screwtape.  It won’t last – it never does, if we have anything to do with it.  You must get them to think                   about themselves – what fine words they use, how good the singing is – rather than talking to the Enemy or listening                   to him.  Most of all, don’t let them pray for one another.

Screwtape    But it’s been going on for weeks already, sir.  I tried that, and it’s not working.

Wormwood  Then distract them.  Give them so many things to do and think about that they never get round to talking about                           Jesus.  Fill up their diaries with meetings, make sure they spend ages talking about internal things like buildings and                     services.  Whatever you do, don’t let them talk to people outside.

Screwtape    I’ve done my best, sir.  But now they’re running an Alpha course and even having a parish weekend ……

Wormwood  Hell’s bells!

Screwtape    ..… and outsiders are getting fascinated by Jesus.  What should I do, sir?

Wormwood  Well, let’s think.  [It’s Mothering Sunday, isn’t it?  Men serving coffee – a recipe for chaos!  And all those flowers –                   let them get all sentimental about them.  Whatever you do, they must forget that the flowers are a token of love and                   a means of blessing.

Screwtape    I’ve got an idea, sir.  I’ll put some pins into the daffodils – a few screaming kids and it won’t seem like a blessing at                   all!]

Wormwood  (Chuckling)  Bad, bad.  Let me know how you get on.  (Suddenly vicious) If you foul up any more, I’ll toast you for                     breakfast.  (Screwtape hurries off fearfully.  Wormwood calls after him)  That wasn’t a joke, Screwtape.

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