Disrupting the church - by James Archer
Editable and printable version
Cast: Screwtape, a junior devil; Wormwood, his boss. The action takes place in Wormwood’s office. This is an opportunity to enjoy dressing up! The format is based on The Screwtape Letters by C.S. Lewis. Amend church name, joke and next suggestion as appropriate.
Wormwood (Screwtape knocks tentatively on the door) Come in!
Screwtape (Hesitantly) Bad morning, sir. I was w..w..wondering, sir, could you give me some advice?
Wormwood Of course I could, Screwtape. What’s the matter?
Screwtape Well, sir, it’s about Christ Church in St Albans, sir.
Wormwood Oh yes? What’s Samson been up to now?
Wormwood You know, chap with long hair who had it cut off. It’s a joke, Screwtape.
Screwtape (Doesn’t get it) Oh. Um. You see, sir, they’re getting more serious about worship and prayer. It’s very worrying. Our Enemy must be very pleased.
Wormwood Never mind, Screwtape. It won’t last – it never does, if we have anything to do with it. You must get them to think about themselves – what fine words they use, how good the singing is – rather than talking to the Enemy or listening to him. Most of all, don’t let them pray for one another.
Screwtape But it’s been going on for weeks already, sir. I tried that, and it’s not working.
Wormwood Then distract them. Give them so many things to do and think about that they never get round to talking about Jesus. Fill up their diaries with meetings, make sure they spend ages talking about internal things like buildings and services. Whatever you do, don’t let them talk to people outside.
Screwtape I’ve done my best, sir. But now they’re running an Alpha course and even having a parish weekend ……
Wormwood Hell’s bells!
Screwtape ..… and outsiders are getting fascinated by Jesus. What should I do, sir?
Wormwood Well, let’s think. [It’s Mothering Sunday, isn’t it? Men serving coffee – a recipe for chaos! And all those flowers – let them get all sentimental about them. Whatever you do, they must forget that the flowers are a token of love and a means of blessing.
Screwtape I’ve got an idea, sir. I’ll put some pins into the daffodils – a few screaming kids and it won’t seem like a blessing at all!]
Wormwood (Chuckling) Bad, bad. Let me know how you get on. (Suddenly vicious) If you foul up any more, I’ll toast you for breakfast. (Screwtape hurries off fearfully. Wormwood calls after him) That wasn’t a joke, Screwtape.