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Eye trouble afoot - by James Archer




(Cast: Eye; Foot.  Eye is standing on a chair, looking haughty.  Foot is sitting on the floor below him.  The corniness of the jokes should be exaggerated.)


Eye   I am an eye.  You know, the most important part of the body.  Top of the lot – well, almost.  If the good Lord had made             frogs first, we really would be on top, but as it is – I suppose everyone makes mistakes, but it is so very trying to be under           something so useless as the hair – still, some men seem to realise that as they grow older.  It’s not a bad position, though –         lots of privileges.  (Sings, hums or whistles)  “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.”  Wonderful,                 hmmm, hmmm, hmmm!  Some amazing promises, too:  “Every eye shall see him”.  He’s even going to come back in the           twinkling of any eye!  Whey-hey!

        The lamp of the body, Jesus called me.  Let your light shine, he said – so I do – into all those dark little corners which the           others try to hide from me – especially the tongue.  Of all the nasty little so and sos, we could do without him – always             wagging away with the latest gossip.  And as for the hands, they get everywhere – piously clasped together in prayer one         minute, picking at the nose the next.  And as for the feet – I always look down on them, don’t I, Foottie (nudging Foot),               eh?  Grumpy as ever – still, it must be a dog’s life.  No, when it comes to all that’s best in life, the eyes have it.  (Stops;             awkward pause;  nudges Foot)  I’ve finished now, Foottie.  It’s your turn.

Foot   No!  I don’t want to.  You pushed me into it.

Eye    Go on then, or everyone will laugh at you.

Foot   Oh, all right then.  I’m a foot.  Oh, this is stupid!

Eye    No, it’s fine.   It doesn’t matter if you put your foot in it.  Ha, ha, ha!  Tell them what it’s like being a foot.

Foot   Well, it’s all very well for him (pointing up), roving free and enjoying life.  He’s got no idea what it’s like at the bottom of            the pile, have you?  Stuffed inside a sock all day, sweating away, smelly, down-trodden, taken for granted, taking him              wherever he wants to go.  At least if we got rid of him, we might have a day of rest up on the sofa occasionally.  Rights            for feet!

Eye    Hang on a minute!  Haven’t you got things a bit out of perspective?  You’re important too.

Foot   Oh, come off it.  If I was important, I’d be something respectable like an eye.

Eye    OK then.  Long ago, how many feet were there in the ark?

Foot   (Looks puzzled; to audience)  Anyone know?

Eye    (Ad lib as necessary)  450 by 75 stacked 45 high, plus however many the animals had – more than one and half                    million.  More than any other part of the body.  If you mattered then, …….

Foot   Oh, you’re not even funny!  How can I explain if you will not understand?  That was ages ago.

Eye    But I thought you were going to Lord it over God’s enemies – a footstool for the feet.

Foot   Pie in the sky!  Let me be an eye!  I want to be important now!

Eye    But you are important now.  Listen to this!  “How lovely are the feet of him who brings good news.”  What more can you          want?

Foot   Let me look at that.  (Takes bible from Eye.  Pause.)  Does that mean we’re both important?

Eye    Of course.

Foot   What, equals?

Eye    Maybe.  (Pause)

Foot   Yes, yes.  Listen to this.  “Have your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.”  That’s me.  “Fix your eyes upon Jesus.”  That’s you. “For the body is an unit, made up of many parts.  If all were an eye, how could it walk?  And if all were a foot, where would the sight be?  But God has arranged the parts of the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be – all equally important.  As it is, there are many parts, but one body.” (Both freeze)

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