No rent - by James Archer
(This sketch is difficult to perform. Ideally it should go at a tremendous pace and be allowed to build up its rhythm. The difficulty lies in co-ordinating the rhythm between the two narrators (N1 and N2) and the four chorus players (C1, C2, C3, and C4; C means all). The stylised form should be exaggerated, and there should be sudden changes in volume and mood. The chorus, who take the part of the tenants, should think through actions, but these must be incorporated into the rhythm and not allowed to destroy it. Their venom is directed at the audience, and there is no-one acting the part of the landlord.
At the end, the rhythm is brought to a halt at “His son” by the bewilderment of the chorus, who should be given time to gawp at the narrators. “His heir” is said with growing greed, and the rhythm resumes until another abrupt pause at “And killed them”.)
Printable and editable Word version
N1 Jesus said
N2 There was a man
N1 Who built
N2 A block
N1 Of flats
C1 Luxury flats
C2 Expensive flats
C3 Beautiful flats
C4 Fashionable flats
N2 And let
N1 Them out
N2 To tenants
C1 Well-bred tenants
C2 Respectable tents
C3 People like you
C4 People like me
N1 And then
N2 He went
N1 Abroad
N2 To look
N1 At his
N2 Investments
N1 The tenants
N2 Saw
N1 Their chance
C1 "Old Moneybags is gone"
N2 They said
C2 "He doesn't need out rent"
N1 They said
C3 "His pocket's lined with silk"
N2 They said
C4 "Wecan't afford the rent"
N2 They said
C1 Only two cars
C2 And a holiday home
C3 Fifty grand
C4 And a private jet
C "Life's not fair"
N2 They said
C "We can't afford the rent"
N1 Rent day came
C "No rent"
N2 The estate agent wrote
C "No rent"
N1 And threatened
C "No rent"
N2 And threatened
C "No rent"
N1 And at last
C "No rent"
N2 Came round
C "No rent"
N1 To collect
C "No rent"
N2 So they seized him
N1 Beat him
N2 Struck him
N1 Spat on him
N2 Jeered him
N1 Kicked him
N2 And sent him
N1 Away with
C No rent
N2 So the rich man sent
N1 Another estate agent
N2 To collect
C No rent
N1 His rent
C No rent
N2 To collect
C No rent
N1 His rent
C No rent
N2 So they seized him
N1 Beat him
N2 Struck him
N1 Spat on him
N2 Jeered him
N1 Kicked him
N2 Killed him
N1 And paid
C No rent
N2 So the rich man sent
N1 Another estate agent
N2 To collect
C No rent
N1 His rent
C No rent
N2 But alas he went
N1 The way of the other agent
N2 So the rich man sent
N1 His son
C His son?
N2 They will respect my son
N1 He said
C1 His heir
C No rent
N2 So they seized him
N1 Beat him
N2 Struck him
N1 Spat him
N2 Jeered him
N1 Kicked him
N2 Killed him
N1 And paid
C No rent
N2 So the rich man came
C No rent
N1 And killed them
N2 And found
N1 New
N2 Tenants